What was I thinking?!?!

Well, specifically in this picture I was prolly thinking, "man, I miss Layne Staley" as Alice in Chains pumped through my ear buds, or "RPMs at 95 - good; HR @ 70% - good", or even "that damn sessy KTM 250 XC over there keeps giving me 'the look'", but I digress - what I mean is, what was I thinking when I registered for the Silver Rush 50 this week - a 50 mile race, off-road, starting at over 10,000' elevation, climbing another 8k feet throughout?

I guess I was thinking, "Hell, I made it through 62 Florida miles, I feel great...I think I could do this! Yeah, yeah - I wanna go for it!" for whatever reason...or hell, just the right combination of reasons.  I've spent 4-10 hours per week "riding" as shown above for much of the last year, 60-100 minutes at a time.  While I do my best to actually ride outside, on real pavement or dirt whenever I can, this is probably 65% or more of my saddle time (at night, in the garage, after kids go to bed).  It's probably as close to meditation as I get, frankly, and for that reason as well as the intended physical benefits it just flat makes me feel good.

Yanno what else makes me feel good?  Becoming willing to risk failure while working toward something I want.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure most earth people feel this way, but it's something that has taken me many years to get in the proper perspective.  Sure, I've always wanted to accomplish stuff, but I will intentionally fail to disclose just how many of those "somethings" were never attempted because my fear of failing dwarfed whatever reward may have been possible.  Phugging sad.  Just days after registering, I'm scared shitless of the beating I'm gonna take in Leadville in six months, but I'm finally more attracted to the prize of completing it than distracted by the fear of not.

Now, I've taken on a few major challenges in my life fueled by this same fear-based motivation.  I lost 65 pounds after receiving a bike that belonged to a friend who died unexpectedly.  Not because I thought his bike was cooler than mine, but because it took that tangible realization that I wasn't guaranteed time "later" to take better care of myself.  I only gave up the booze by reaching the point it was really my only option - I am/was too much a puzzy to take it to the bitter end.  I didn't quit drinking because it seemed like the right thing to do, or because I thought "golly, I think I drink too much and my life would be oh-so-peachy if I could put a plug in the jug."  Nope, I found myself afraid of dying drunk, or even worse, living through my life going to complete shit because I continued to put a Bud Light to my head and pull the trigger. 

So, with all that in mind, why should I fear challenging myself with just a bike race?  What's so intimidating about putting some thorough planning and effort into preparing for something 6 months away that may only leave me broken, disappointed and/or tired?  I think I'm realizing that the benefits of being willing to take it on will far exceed any race results.  It motivates me to ride more, train smarter, manage my time around all of life's responsibilities better - to not be paralyzed by the fear of it not going exactly how I'd like.  None of that sounds bad at all, does it?  My only risk is what?  Not winning the Silver Rush 50!?!?  Ha!

It's only been in recent years I've gained any appreciation of this - weight loss, sobriety, & fatherhood have all been exceptional teachers.  I hope to continue being willing to improve on all fronts, even if "all I get out of it" is the effort.  I realize more and more that I also have to continue to be patient and willing to accept all results as they come - I can only control what I put into it and what I expect to get out of it.  Dammit man...that is actually pretty cool.

As for what I'm thinking right now?  Well, mainly "jeezuz that head-band looks gay!" combined with "ewe, that jersey makes me look FAT!"  OK, so, I've still got plenty of work to do between the ears, eh?  Otherwise, I've so far got a 5.66666 month schedule roughed out that includes continuing the anaerobic-threshold-improving spin classes twice a week, maybe a couple/few early-season harescrambles, two "easier" endurance ATB races, a couple 100+ mile road rides and a lot of life to worry about between now and July 14th, and for that I'm pretty damn grateful.

Enjoy the journey...

Now what? No simple answer...

The "buzz" of my first, totally successful and satisfying Tour de Felasco is slowly fading, but I'm now battling all kinds of new demons.  How do I follow that up?  What does/did/should this undertaking tell me might also be possible?  That ride has been my focus/encouragement to get hours on bike for a while now, and with it behind me I can't help but search for a new...target.

Without sounding like I'm just here to stroke my ego in a public way, what these past 18 months have resulted in is something pretty damn foreign to me - I'm actually fit!  To borrow a line from a fad-nastic, "just 20 minutes a day!" commercial: "I'm 41, and in the best shape of my life!"  Weird, but true...and I've received no compensation for saying it...dammit.

Anyway, the best part of completing the full 100km of Felasco is that I didn't spend much time, if any, worrying about being dropped or unable to finish.  I spent my day enjoying the company, surroundings and knowing I was finally one of the "fit ones".  I felt good, managed my efforts and rode with confidence that my legs and lungs were where they needed to be.  They most definitely were...for that RIDE, at my own pace, with no real pressure to go faster or farther.

As many/most/all know, though, mountain biking is one of "only" six 2-wheeled disciplines I enjoy.  I've juggled all six pretty well over the past year or so, but frankly, I'm feeling more like "jack of all trades, master of none" than ever.  So?  What am I to do for 2012?  I'm still a father of two, a husband, an employee, and a "friend of Bill's" - those things continue to require the same amount of effort and time as they always have, sometimes more.  Can I continue to improve my fitness, skill, abilities on all fronts?  Or is it time to thin the heard and focus on just one?  Oh, that last bit sounds...sad, just typing it...

I won't lie, this week's buzz has me already contemplating The Silver Rush 50 mile mountain bike race this summer in Leadville, CO.  A similar test as 62 miles in Florida I suppose, but a whole different animal.  It'll require more true training, not only more "just riding along".  Realistic?  I haven't actually taken part in a bicycle race since...10 years and 60 pounds ago.  Not the best memories to reflect upon.  Surely this would be different, but I have to consider the difference between "ride" and "race".  Do I have the mind toughness to go with these new-and-improved (albeit older) legs & lungs??

On another front, it's just over a month from the kick-off of the 2012 off-road motorcycle racing season.  I've had mixed luck there, granted - from life flight to a win, to 6th place season standing in 2009.  I have to believe that my higher level of fitness can only have a positive impact on 2-hour harescrambles...but then again...I haven't been on that damn KTM in four months. I'm a bit obsessed with pedal-power, lately, but what if this pre-mixed fire re-lights?

Then comes BMX season that I'm rather excited about taking part in with my younger son, Thomas (who is freakin' gifted on 2 wheels...l'il turd!), but his interest varies depending on the day.  What about a road century?  Or at least rides similar to the MS 72 miler I stumbled onto and loved, last May?  Trials comps and demo opportunities will also come with the arrival of the Midwestern Spring - where's the time for that practice, setup, coordination?

All of that babble to say...is 2012 the year of the bike?  Bike racing?  Endurance-type stuff?  On road or off?  Or both???  Put in a solid, season-long effort  and go for moto success before I get too much older?  Or once again dabble in all the above with the realistic hope of just enjoying them all regardless of any competitive results?  Then gotta factor in what works best for the whole family unit - time, money, risk...?  I'm pushing the limits of at least two of those factors at any one time...how far is too far?

For now, I'm gonna do my best to simply be grateful for such a dilemma.  It's a pretty fantastic combination of life and life events that have me in a place where the above questions and concerns are the most stressful part of my life...ain't it?

Ride on...whatever it is you ride...

Felasco - I now "get it"

I'm sure that 10 years ago I was at least privy to the hype, interest, & curiousity leading up to the inaugural Tour of San Felasco.  I'm near positive that many in the extensive cycling community I was then part of in Tallahassee, FL even tried to include me.  But for the life of me, I cannot remember a single damn ride report, funny story, or an origination of the annual "cult-ing" this ride has evolved into.

Ten years ago I was just about at the end of my successful-yet-brief bike shop owner/operator career.  I was on the back-side of many years being known as "that big guy with mad bike skillz".  The closing of Big Tony's Treads allowed me to fine tune my promising amateur status of "exceptional beer drinker" and ready myself for the transition to "professional drunk".  Guess it's getting clearer why I don't remember the evolution of Felasco...

Fast forward through the move to Kansas City, the six-month drunk that followed, getting dried out and sustaining sobriety, becoming a father, near-death harescramble crash, stumbling into an exceptional IT career, adding another kid to the mix and BAM...I'm 40 freakin' years old and had been off bicycles for nearly 7 years.***  Bike riding now seemed like something new worth checking out after years off and it was exactly that - a fresh start.  Fell in love with human-powered two-wheelers much like I did when I was 4 years old.  Mountain biking, road biking, night rides, trials - hell, even BMX has snuck in - all felt wonderfully familiar, but totally new.

Re-connecting a wee bit with some of the ol' Tallahassee crew as a result of being a "born again cyclist" soon put Felasco on my radar.  Wasn't ready for and/or simply couldn't make the 2011 edition, but I was up at 5am CST November 1st to make sure I committed to taking part in 2012 (thanks again, Big Jim!).  Hot damn - I'm in, and most all my old buddies are, too!

I went to Felasco as Big Worm's bitch - I'll do what Worm does, however fast, slow, far or crazy.  If he says it, I will do it.  I'd kept in shitty contact with this man over recent years, but dammit, I've never trusted anyone more when it came to anything bike-related, plain and simple.  He'd given me lots of his veteran tips and as the substantial Bike Chain gang I was now part of rolled out, I was full of utmost confidence that this would be epic.  I was in no way disappointed.

It's an interesting environment this Felasco thing - everyone seems to know each other, all stories and comments stem from previous years, yet what this day holds is not at all certain.  We get in a good sized train and begin enjoying some suhweet, grooving singletrack while barking out random insults and inappropriate comments among our little self-contained, 15 rider "pack".  It's cold, or at least Florida-cold, and all Wrecking Ball comments aside the humidity made it cut through this Kansas City skin.  My legs felt good, but like they'd never fully warm up.  "Relax, Big Worm says you're ready, you'll be fine - just relax, ride, and enjoy" kept ringing through my head.

Just soaking it all in - the place, personalities, tasty goodness of the trail - had the first 10 or so miles fly by and it was time for a PB & J at the first sag stop.  Wasn't really a "stop", but a "slow down enough", and that was all it took for Big Jim to politely bid farewell.  I'll admit, watching him ride off from the rest of the Bike Chain gang effed with me a bit.  I wanted to chase him.  I coulda hung on his wheel I'm pretty damn sure, but the urge to prove it quickly faded.  Maybe next year.  For now, it was more entertaining to stick with Big Worm and enjoy riding the coat-tails of his...celebrity ?  Notoriety?  Legend?!?  Seemed no matter what group of riders we came up to and worked around (sometimes smoothly and politely, other times a bit more elbow-esque), people knew who he was, who we/Bike Chain were, and they allowed us our own rights to the trail.  Cool.

At the 2nd sag stop I could feel myself twitching a bit.  I didn't really wanna stop for long and cool down enough to have to re-warm up.  Didn't really wanna shoot the breeze in a stationary manner, but I was a virgin to this deal - I felt good, but maybe taking your time a bit was what made the whole 62 miles possible.  The trail and the mo-jo continued to impress as we worked our way to lunch.  The group thinned out and re-grouped by lunch where I again found myself a bit anxious to simply slam more food and get back to pedalling. 

In the next "section"/miles I let my legs (and various wisdoms bestowed upon me by the Worm) guide me and found myself riding away from the group a bit on the wheels of some folks I never used-ta-could hang with (Little Ball and whatever Darien goes by).  Felt good, but kinda like I was cheating on Big Worm, Human Wrecking Ball and others.  That feeling dissolved when we stopped just long enough at the 3rd sag to re-hydrate & urinate & see the rest of BC folks ride on by.  Now, I got to chase 'em back down!  When we caught back up to Big Worm et al, Darien disappeared to do Pilate's or stretch, and Little Ball checked out.  Big Worm quickly (and thankfully) let me know that if I wanted to do the full 62 I'd better jump on Little Ball's wheel as no one else felt they needed more than "just" 50 miles.

As me & Little Ball reached the "Extra Credit" 12 mile loop, I was second-guessing my decision to leave the safety of BW's company and/or whether or not I had the gumption for 62 miles, but that quickly faded with another PowerBar, PowerGel and gulps of Heed to wash it down.  Little Ball eased me into and through the first few miles while my legs came back around.  2nd wind?  37th wind?  I dunno, but I nearly felt guilty how good I got back to feeling.  This section of trail was spec-fugging-tacular!  I'd say even the best of the day.  Seemed kinda unfair that it was only for those willing, able and on-time enough to do it at the end.  Somewhere along the way L'il Ball said "why don't you lead, now?" and that was about the last I saw of him.  Did I mention I was feeling good?

The remaining 10 or so miles were a mix of perfect rythym, pride, and talking out-loud to myself kind of crazy as I was truly all alone and still tired enough to wonder if I'd not missed a turn somewhere.  Pride and satisfaction were near over-whelming as I got glimpses of the crowd of people, bikes and cars at the finish.  I did it.  I fugging did it - 62 miles on a mountain bike in right around 6 hours rolling time. 

It all gets kinda fuzzy from there to/through the brief road trip back to Tallahassee -  Diet Pepsi injections, packin' a fat dip of congratulatory Copenhagen (yes, ironic, I realize), group feast at local joint, too much picking on Wrecking Ball, post-ride flatulation in Big Jim's F-150  - through all of it continuing to relish the thought that "I finally got to do Felasco.  Got to do it with 84% of the ol' crew.  Felt good doing it.  I get it, now".

*** some, many or all of these "fast forward" topics will surely be touched on again later, some day, in some way ***

WTF?

I don't even really know exactly "what is blogging?", but I have much-trusted and admired friends (Big Worm, Big Jim, Wrecking Ball and more) that do it.  I rant too much random info to really fit FB, and my awkward thoughts are aimed far broader than e-mail, so...maybe this is the perfect venue...?

Topics will vary.  Political correctness is not much of a concern.  Spelling may suck out loud and many words will be completely made up.

You've been warned...