What was I thinking?!?!

Well, specifically in this picture I was prolly thinking, "man, I miss Layne Staley" as Alice in Chains pumped through my ear buds, or "RPMs at 95 - good; HR @ 70% - good", or even "that damn sessy KTM 250 XC over there keeps giving me 'the look'", but I digress - what I mean is, what was I thinking when I registered for the Silver Rush 50 this week - a 50 mile race, off-road, starting at over 10,000' elevation, climbing another 8k feet throughout?

I guess I was thinking, "Hell, I made it through 62 Florida miles, I feel great...I think I could do this! Yeah, yeah - I wanna go for it!" for whatever reason...or hell, just the right combination of reasons.  I've spent 4-10 hours per week "riding" as shown above for much of the last year, 60-100 minutes at a time.  While I do my best to actually ride outside, on real pavement or dirt whenever I can, this is probably 65% or more of my saddle time (at night, in the garage, after kids go to bed).  It's probably as close to meditation as I get, frankly, and for that reason as well as the intended physical benefits it just flat makes me feel good.

Yanno what else makes me feel good?  Becoming willing to risk failure while working toward something I want.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure most earth people feel this way, but it's something that has taken me many years to get in the proper perspective.  Sure, I've always wanted to accomplish stuff, but I will intentionally fail to disclose just how many of those "somethings" were never attempted because my fear of failing dwarfed whatever reward may have been possible.  Phugging sad.  Just days after registering, I'm scared shitless of the beating I'm gonna take in Leadville in six months, but I'm finally more attracted to the prize of completing it than distracted by the fear of not.

Now, I've taken on a few major challenges in my life fueled by this same fear-based motivation.  I lost 65 pounds after receiving a bike that belonged to a friend who died unexpectedly.  Not because I thought his bike was cooler than mine, but because it took that tangible realization that I wasn't guaranteed time "later" to take better care of myself.  I only gave up the booze by reaching the point it was really my only option - I am/was too much a puzzy to take it to the bitter end.  I didn't quit drinking because it seemed like the right thing to do, or because I thought "golly, I think I drink too much and my life would be oh-so-peachy if I could put a plug in the jug."  Nope, I found myself afraid of dying drunk, or even worse, living through my life going to complete shit because I continued to put a Bud Light to my head and pull the trigger. 

So, with all that in mind, why should I fear challenging myself with just a bike race?  What's so intimidating about putting some thorough planning and effort into preparing for something 6 months away that may only leave me broken, disappointed and/or tired?  I think I'm realizing that the benefits of being willing to take it on will far exceed any race results.  It motivates me to ride more, train smarter, manage my time around all of life's responsibilities better - to not be paralyzed by the fear of it not going exactly how I'd like.  None of that sounds bad at all, does it?  My only risk is what?  Not winning the Silver Rush 50!?!?  Ha!

It's only been in recent years I've gained any appreciation of this - weight loss, sobriety, & fatherhood have all been exceptional teachers.  I hope to continue being willing to improve on all fronts, even if "all I get out of it" is the effort.  I realize more and more that I also have to continue to be patient and willing to accept all results as they come - I can only control what I put into it and what I expect to get out of it.  Dammit man...that is actually pretty cool.

As for what I'm thinking right now?  Well, mainly "jeezuz that head-band looks gay!" combined with "ewe, that jersey makes me look FAT!"  OK, so, I've still got plenty of work to do between the ears, eh?  Otherwise, I've so far got a 5.66666 month schedule roughed out that includes continuing the anaerobic-threshold-improving spin classes twice a week, maybe a couple/few early-season harescrambles, two "easier" endurance ATB races, a couple 100+ mile road rides and a lot of life to worry about between now and July 14th, and for that I'm pretty damn grateful.

Enjoy the journey...