"The squirrel cage" is an interesting, affectionate term I often use to describe the useless activity occurring between my ears that does nothing more than transport me out of the right-now. Maybe "The Gerbil Wheel" is a more realistic term, but the mixed up image of a squirrel trapped in a cage is really far more accurate. If that damn squirrel gets to a spinnin' around in there, it's just a matter of time before my focus is on the past or trying to get into the future - neither of which can do a guy like me any good. Even worse, once that freakin' rodent gets a good rhythm going it's a substantial effort to restore any kind of peace or serenity to the area.
What fuels this lowly squirrel? Well, it both craves and is fiercely allergic to doses of ego, and a side-dish of fear really kicks it into high gear. It loves to supplement this diet by feasting on regrets, and uses that malnourishment to build up some substantial expectations. I'm never sure at all where in the hell the fuzz-ball is trying to get, but the more bound it feels by the extremes at each end of its cage, seems the faster that little phugger goes. All that ever really comes of it is...well...noise.
So? Too much freakin' symbolism have you needing more tangible examples? OK, you might have recently heard of me speak about my return to cycling and the fitness that it's bringing. It's been good for my health and well-being, but also has improved my self image to a certain extent...maybe even just a wee bit too much. Like, to the point that I had myself convinced that I was surely ready to jump on the wheels of a couple hard-core roadies (one a Cat 1, the other a RAAM finisher) for a long Saturday ride. Whoooo-boy, the squirrel tucks in its napkin and gets ready to chow down...for all of the 10-15 minutes I am able to ride with those guys.
Now, with a full tummy, that little bastard is ready to rock: "well, that was embarrassing, Tony - how fit you feel NOW?"; "bet those guys are chuckling at you riding away with your tail between your legs"; "didn't 'the data' show that you were getting fitter/faster? Ha! Guess the data LIED!"; "who did you think you were fooling, there, 'Mr. Ride Indoors' man?" Actual fact: those riders were basing their pace off me, and my ego was blowing up my legs trying to show I could stay with 'em, too proud to simply ask they ease up a bit. But the squirrel don't care about no stinkin' facts - he's got all he needs already to get his gyro-scope in full swing. His transitions around, back & forth his confined space also become more extreme - the "should've"'s and "could've"'s of the past are stacking up on one side. The "you won't"'s and "you can't"'s grow in a pile at the other end of the cage that points to the future. Can you hear that? Pretty amazing clash of static, ain't it? Makes it impossible to retain any focus on the present, and that is exactly what Mr. Squirrel was hoping for.
Don't get me wrong - this little bike-ride-gone-bad is just a single example, but damn near anything can get this furry little fiend into action. I showed my ass (not quite literally, but close enough) just two days later at work using the exact same formula: pride/ego, expectations, fear, regret. Thank God at least there's a pattern...? I was steamin' mad, (f-bombing wildly and loudly, of course), and found myself with one foot planted firmly in the past while the other foot stomped into the future so that...well...I basically found myself pissing all over the "right-now".
That leads me to some other "pearls of wisdom" that have been shared with me that I eventually use to quiet the noise that puffy-tailed turd has created only in my head:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - all you've got is today, and that's why they call it "the present"
Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides
What other people think of you is really none of your got-dam business
The power others have to annoy me, I give to them
Per my two sons after my bad day at work, regurgitating Mommy & Daddy lessons: "just take a deep breath", "be careful with your words", and the real stinger - "you can only control you"
Now, all THAT to arrive at the fact that...hell, I dunno. Maybe it's just my way of sharing TM-phuggin-I. At least my way of communicating, "inside my head is an...interesting place to visit, but no one should really have to live there"...? Or a really long-winded way of expressing that I've still got much to learn about living right, but the journey is never dull. Maybe a way to acknowledge to myself (and the damn squirrel) that I'm making some progress in living in the now, leaving the past as it is and letting the future come as it will. I'm definitely learning that the less I focus on the past or try to control the future, the fuller and better the right-now gets. Yeah, I like that.
Ha
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